Go Home & Love Your Family

The title of this blog entry paraphrases Mother Theresa's 1984 Nobel Prize acceptance speech, which is often attributed to her as: "if you want to change the world, go home and love your family." This felt like an appropriate way to begin because I have been thinking about mothers. I've been a mother for less than five years, but it has changed me. I'm really lucky because I have a really good mother, and I think, in turn, that has helped mothering come very naturally to me. At the end of the day, I am usually tired, sometimes frustrated, and often sticky, but the way that my heart has so fully molded to these little boys is nothing that I have done, and I think the example of my mother loving us so well has set that standard for me.

I haven't just been thinking about my own mother, though. I've been thinking about the mother's that have come before us. My Nana is 94 years old, and she's been a mother for close to seven decades, and she did it well. She leaned into motherhood while not letting it take her over. Beyond that, I think about her mother, my mom's maternal grandmother, who grew up in Chicago, IL and worked as a secretary on the stock market and was a boss in her own right. I also think of my dad's paternal grandmother who traveled from Lebanon to Boston as a young woman in search of a better life, met my dad's grandfather there, and had seven children. I am these mother's legacy

I often think, too, of the mothers who first mothered in this place that we call home, specifically the women of the Ho-Chunk and Potawatomi tribes on whose land we now live. How they mothered not only their own children and the children in their community but also the land, the trees, and the water. How, in Braiding Sweetgrass, Robin Wall Kimmerer tells her readers how communal living was the Indigenous people's way of life and separated walls, houses, or even plots of land was so foreign to them that they couldn't understand what on earth (their earth) these white invaders wanted. In the broadest scope, the person and spirit of our God also mothers us. Genesis 1:27 says: "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female." I am a mother and a woman, and I am created in the image of God.

What an honor and a privilege to follow in this line and to be counted as one of these mothers. I finished my final semester as an English professor at Olivet in May, so I've now been home with my boys full time for over six months. This time has tested me and helped me grow in patience, kindness, and stamina. But this Thanksgiving, the overwhelming sense of gratitude that I felt was centered on the reality that I get to stay home with my boys and be the one who sees them and guides them at their best and at their worst. I'm so thankful for God's provision to allow me to do this and for my husband who works so hard and fully supports me.

Over these past six months, I've had some time to reflect on some of my highs and lows of motherhood, as well as what is truly important to me as we raise our boys. Both my boys have names that start with the letter C, and conveniently, these three overarching values also start with the letter C. They are:

• Consent

• Consistency

• Connection

I could go even further with the C theme and say that I hope the focus on these three elements will make my boys caring, good communicators, and carefree in the way they live their lives, but that may be a stretch. What I do know is that these three elements have risen to the top through the hard, mundane, and exciting moments, and I hope they are what serve our boys well now and into their futures. Or, if not, they can just bring this blog post into their future therapy sessions to explain their issues.

For us, consent looks like honoring their bodies and asking them to do the same for others. We don't post their faces on social media, and we always try to give them options with their choices around their bodies. I hope they see this modeled in us as well and they can understand the way that that communicates respect and kindness to others. I also hope, in some way, that this can break some of the stigma around the idea that boys are not gentle and just take what they want, and as their mother, I hope this means they also know what it's like to be treated with respect and consideration and will look for that and value that in their future relationships, work, and choices, as well as feel respected as people now.

In regards to consistency, we have used tools like the book Twelve Hours' Sleep by Twelve Weeks Old as a basis for how to set up a schedule for eating, sleeping, and playing. This consistency in our schedule was just as helpful for our baby's at three months old as it was at three years old and beyond. I think that one of our primary roles as parents is to be a teacher; we teach kids how to share, say words, and recognize colors, why would we not need to help teach them how to sleep? This kind of scheduling may seem restrictive to some, but I have found that it's been quite the opposite. Because we know when our children need to sleep, and that they will do it well, we are able to spend the rest of our time enjoying each other, going out, and being with other people. They know what to expect and so do we, and I think it's really shaped our parenting experience.

Finally, the idea of communication really ties in with the ideas above as well, but I have seen it more now as we have had to start disciplining our children. The toddler course from Big Little Feelings was very helpful with this, and they frame discipline as a time for connection and teaching, and that's really helped us shape our mindset. Do our children need correction, redirection, and consequences for their actions? Yes, they do. Do they need to be put away in a room, not given full explanation, or even physically punished because of what their underdeveloped, childlike brains are telling them? No, they don't. We have our children take breaks as a consequence, which they don't always love, but we stay with them, help them sort through their emotions, and explain our reasoning. We are then able to understand better why they made their ill-advised choices, and they can better understand why not to do that. Of course it's not a perfect system, but it's one that encourages connection and communication.

These are just some tangible examples of how these three ideas show up in our lives, but for me, it also comes back to my faith in Jesus and my goal to be more like him. Does he force us into situations, circumstances, or even relationship with him without our choice? No, he offers guidance, love, and hope, but we have free will and must make a choice to engage. Does he waffle, bend to our whims, and change his mind day to day, even when we want things (like a toddler doesn't want to nap)? No, he's faithful, consistent, and steady. It's these very consistent traits that makes it safe to go back to him again and again, and it's how I know I can trust him to hold me. And when I do make mistakes, get into trouble, or cause harm, does he send me away, withhold connection or communication, or harm me? No, he offers closeness through his very word and spirit and guides me that way. A God who does not offer me consent, consistency, and communication is not a God that I am interested in following, and that's truly where I base my parenting decisions. I believe that he has given me the gifts of a lifetime in these boys, and I know I need to look to him for how to raise them.

This past Saturday, the four of us were driving a little ways from home to go to a Christmas tree farm and cut down our first Christmas tree as a family. We were maybe half way there, and Christmas music was playing in the car during a rare quiet moment. From the back seat, Cohen said softly: "I have a happy life." Wade said, "that's great to hear, buddy," while I immediately started to cry. That's, obviously, one of the ultimate goals of the choices we make the life we choose to live, and, like we see the mother Mary doing when she sees rejoicing in her child, I will hold those words close to my heart.

I don't have some overarching point or narrative here, and this blog is probably just mostly for me to express these thoughts that I've had swirling around in my head, and maybe for my mom to read (hi, Ter). But that's more than OK... I know that I'm not getting it all right, and maybe someday I'll look back on this and laugh at these ideas, but I hope that I am being faithful and true, and I hope that I am counting each second as precious that I get to be called mama by these wonderful boys. It's not all of who I am, and I know that someday I'll be able to live a different kind of life filled with new and exciting adventures, but right now, I'm here with my boys and my husband and our little dog, and that's all that I need. What a gift to be able to go home and love my family.

All images besides the first were drawn from my Pinterest boards, and links and attributions can be found there.