It's the end of an era!

Seems a bit melodramatic, but ya know, Rachel Green speaks the truth.

In December of 2022 I told my boss, the chair of the English Department at Olivet, that I had decided not to return to teaching this upcoming fall of 2023. She was so kind and accepting, but she cried, and then I cried, and it's been a very bittersweet journey since then... telling my friends and family, teaching my final semester at Olivet, saying goodbye to my colleagues, and now that everything is wrapped up, wondering what exactly is next.

This past semester I taught four classes. Two ESL teaching classes focused on lesson planning and types of learning, one 100 level English class, and one 200 level English class. I worked with two wonderful TAs, and I participated in departmental meetings, antiracist book club, and teacher talks. I met with my TAs and talked to my colleagues and worked with my students and offered feedback on their work all with the constant hum of recognizing that these were the last times that I would be able to do that.

Within this last school year we've spent time with friends and family, especially around the holidays and now that my little sister has a little baby girl of her own! She is my first niece, and I cannot believe how cute she is. We spent a month in Florida, from mid-February to mid-March, and went to the beach every other day and spent four wonderful (and tiring) days at Disney World. I visited friends in NC and hosted a woodland themed baby shower pre-niece arrival. It's been a full and wonderful year, and yet as I am experiencing all these wonderful moments in the present I also kept being drawn back down memory lane, especially as I wrapped up my last semester.

Growing up, I wanted to be a writer. I once wrote a chunk of a novel that got erased due to a Microsoft Word save error. I loved to read as a kid, which translated well to AP English in high school, and then it was really not a hard decision to pick a major once I came to college. I still liked writing at that point, and I wasn't sure really abut being an author, but I knew I loved books and words. It was during my study abroad in Oxford, UK that I realized that I could actually pursue studying and teaching English. Once home from my study abroad I started to research graduate school programs, and my mentor Dr. Belcher told me that as an English graduate student I should never pay for a program because they need me as much as I need them.

I graduated college, got married, and took Dr. B.'s words to heart! While teaching 100 level English at Olivet just three months after graduating with my BA, I was applying to graduate schools, and I got a tuition waver plus teaching stipend for the English Studies Master's program at Illinois State University. In 2012 my new husband and I and our little black puppy dog moved to Normal, IL so I could begin my two year program there. I met some good friends and got a great teacher training that served me so well in my teaching from there on out, as well as helping define the research focus of my work, which took a major shift from literature to rhetoric through my classes and advisors.

Once I got started, I knew I couldn't quit just yet, so the applications started again, and I, again, got a tuition waiver with stipend at a great English Ph.D. program, but this time it was a little farther afield... at Arizona State University in Tempe, AZ. Not only had I never been to ASU when I accepted the offer, but I had never been to Arizona until my husband and I went out to pick out a condo! I was born in ABQ, NM, though, so I knew the southwest did feel like home, especially with family just a state away. Thanks to my partner's support, working additional jobs, and the programmatic funding, I graduated from both of my post-collegiate degrees without student debt. I appreciated that at the time, but looking back I am even more grateful because it means that I don't feel beholden to my degrees, but I feel thankful for what I learned and gleaned and that I could put them into practice!

That's not to say that it was all a walk in the park. My first semester at ASU was really difficult for me. I was in a brand new place with a lot of new pressures and starting down a long road that I really didn't know if I could handle. I experienced, for the first time, the onset of anxiety and panic attacks, that has turned into an almost decade long journey of figuring out how my brain works and what my brain and body need to not be overwhelmed by those dark waves. Yoga, worship and devotionals, essential oils, breathing exercises, and five years of therapy have helped me come a long way. Coming out of that semester, though, my mind was made up that I was going to finish my program, but I was going to do it as quickly and efficiently but still effectively as possible. I jumped right in to my classes, but I also started setting up and studying for my exams, and even planning out and drafting my dissertation while doing all that.

We spent two years in Arizona before moving back to WI, and I finished my degree here. I worked at our local community college, Madison College, during that time, and I enjoyed my time there, but I was very excited when I was asked to interview at Olivet. I joined the English department faculty in the fall of 2018 while commuting weekly from our home in Madison. It wasn't the easiest arrangement, but I loved working within the department, advancing the writing classes and major, and interacting with my students. None of that changed throughout my five years at Olivet, and I really am glad to have done that work.

As this school year came to a close, I was brought back to many of these memories. At the end of every school year each faculty member submits a faculty report to their chair as a review of the work of the year. I concluded my faculty report with the following paragraphs. I told my boss it may be slightly more dramatic than my normal reports (and I didn't even have photos!) but it is what I was reflecting on as the year concluded:

"This school year has felt different to me as a faculty member as I was considering and then decided to not continue to next year as part of the English department. I feel blessed and privileged to be able to stay home with my two young boys and more actively engage in our other aspects of our family and business; however, this decision and the reality of wrapping up my time (for now) as an English Department faculty member is the definition of bittersweet. Studying English has been all I’ve ever wanted to do my whole life, and to have had the opportunity to study, earn degrees, and then teach English at the collegiate level is really a dream come true. I’ve loved reading ever since I could remember, and when it came time to pick a major it was an easy choice for me. I felt immediately at home in the English department at Olivet as an undergraduate student under the leadership of Dr. Sue Williams, and the opportunity to study abroad at Oxford University in Oxford, UK through the program cemented my decision for me. It was in Oxford, in the fall of 2009, that I was sitting in a meeting (photo below), and the chair of the program said: if you can do this, you can do anything. And in that moment, I decided to continue in pursuit of this very goal. Through excellent mentorship from Dr. Karen Knudson as I finished my honor’s paper my senior year of college and continuing advice from Dr. Rebecca Belcher-Rankin, I found a spot in the MA program at ISU and then continued to my Ph.D. in English at ASU. Coming back to teach at Olivet was also not a hard decision; it felt like coming home.

One of the hardest parts about saying goodbye to this job is losing the camaraderie and community of my English department colleagues. Even though we are not close in location, I have felt heard, included, and respected by my colleagues, and especially proud to be under the leadership of Dr. Beth Schurman, who continuously and tirelessly leads the department to be better, to better consider the needs of our students, and to serve each other and the university well. Some of my colleagues started out as my professors, then lovely coworkers, and now my friends. I feel lucky to have celebrated the retirement/moving of some and welcomed in others. In leaving the department, I also feel, again, the loss of our figurative (if not literal) matriarch, Dr. B. I truly would not be here and not be the person I am today without her guidance, persistence, and fortitude in pushing me sometimes beyond what I thought I could do.

As a faculty member over the past five years, I have seen some students struggle, but I have also seen a lot of students succeed. I have had the opportunity to work with over 550 students during this time, taught first semester freshmen and final semester graduating seniors. I’ve engaged with almost every type of writing classroom and continued to learn through earning a TESOL certification. I’ve worked with wonderful TA’s who have supported me in my work and whom I hope I have supported in their pursuits and passions. One of my proudest contributions was helping facilitate and implement the new writing major, which I believe will serve our students and department well for years to come. I’ve learned a lot about myself and about other people, and I hope I have left a positive impact on those I have been able to work with. Thanks for allowing me to go down memory lane, but I couldn’t comment on my work as a faculty member this year without remembering and recognizing the impact that this work has also had on me as a person. I feel very lucky to be forever part of the Olivet English department whatever may come. I’ll sign off with one of Dr. B.’s signature phrases as we look onward and upward: 'OH, great day!'"

Looking back over the past five years I see not only the highs and lows of professorship at Olivet, but truly more highs and lows than I truly thought I would experience in a lifetime. My husband's brother died suddenly in June 2018, and I flew home from Bangkok, Thailand after just a day and a half there to be with my husband and his family. We started the next year back in Thailand and then upon coming home realized I had been pregnant since December 2018, which was very unexpected. By the end of 2019, we had moved into a new house, my professorship shifted to entirely online, and we had a new baby boy. And all of this was before the world shut down in March 2020. I was pregnant for the second time by the end of 2020, and our second son joined us in September 2021, which was wonderful and difficult in all the expected and many unexpected ways. Life since then has been a bit of a whirlwind of teaching and learning and parenting and laughing and worrying and finding both sadness and hope lurking around many corners. The individual, family, and cultural shifts, changes, lessons, and growth has not always felt good, and it makes me look at that 2018 with kinder eyes than I may have without the amount of landmark life shifts in this half decade.

SO here we are. The end of an era. I plan to continue on with this blog as I move forward with whatever is next. We have some ideas what that might look like, but honestly, the future is a bit fuzzier for me right now than I think it has ever been. My family and my colleagues in the department have been so kind in celebrating the end of the semester, and that has made me feel so loved and appreciated.

I have also gotten what I am calling my "retirement tattoo." The book and teacup are representative of these last five years as a professor but also goes even further back to my first English classes at Olivet, learning to love tea in England, and the through line of the story of Alice In Wonderland, which I studied at Olivet, actually lived in ways in Oxford, and carried with me forever more.

Like Alice, I have often (and continue) to feel much like she did when she answered the question "Who are you?" by saying "I—I hardly know, Sir, just at present—at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.” And when asked where she wants to go, she says: "“I don’t much care where—so long as I get somewhere.” I feel much like Alice wandering through Wonderland wondering both who she is and where she should go. Maybe those aren't really the questions that matter the most, though. Maybe we should be thinking more about whom we are walking through our world with and how well we are loving them; I do know that through this transition I will be able to love my family more fully with my time, energy, and attention.

Or, maybe, we need to just take the advice of the March Hare and "Take some more tea." That sounds good to me.